Hello, my friends! It’s Maya here and I wanted to shed some light on abuse examples. Plus, provide a few links to assist. It’s a goal at Safe In Harm’s Way to use my story and the story of other survivors to shed a light on abuse. We do this to hold hands and change the world! We want survivors to know they’re not alone, and we want people to be able to recognize abuse in their life.
My goodness! Was I crazy for almost ten years? It sure felt like it. I’d often ask Marc if he was trying to drive me crazy. I couldn’t understand the ridiculousness he would send my way with screaming and yelling in my face about the lies he would spew- in spite of all evidence to the contrary. Also- in spite of me cowering and covering my face; begging him to stop, as he would hover over me physically, while screaming at me.
Physical abuse. Emotional abuse. Gas-lighting. All present in this example.
Let’s talk about physical abuse. When your partner stands over you, plows through doors you’ve asked to be closed, screams in your face, and doesn’t stop when asked…..ALL PHYSICAL ABUSE. Make no mistake. It’s not a passion to connect. It’s not love. It is physical abuse.
SIDE NOTE: I’m giving you examples in one tiny moment, so you hopefully can recognize actions as abuse. I didn’t realize Marc’s actions, in this example, as abuse. I was just trying to distance myself and have a calm conversation to neutralize Marc’s exaggerated behavior because I made the simple statement, “Love, I think we should discuss the option of getting an alarm system with cameras.” Abuse never starts off as abuse. Weird statement, right? Right! It starts off as intense and incredible love. If it started with abuse, people wouldn’t stay.
Let’s move on to emotional abuse and gaslighting.
There was a point, about one year into the home, where I mentioned getting an alarm system with video cameras. His former wife was ending a relationship with a man who was stalking and harassing her. My former husband even helped Marc’s former wife, Stacey, with safety ideas and processes to keep her safe.
Since Stacey’s ex-boyfriend knew where we lived and seemed to be developing scary habits, maybe we should consider the alarm system. One random Wednesday, when he arrived home from work, I casually said, “Love, I think we should discuss the option of getting an alarm system with cameras.”
Marc lost his mind on me. He began to scream at me, following me around the house yelling at me. I closed the door and asked him to stop. I ran into the bathroom and closed the bathroom door and braced against the door.
Marc kept following me to scream at me through any door I closed. This, I now know, is emotional abuse, too. Screaming? Yelling? Calling me names? Emotional abuse, folks. Look at it this way, too; I would not have treated Marc in this fashion. Not ever. So, if you’re being treated in a way you would NEVER treat someone else – could be abuse. Pause and consider this as a precursor to future abuse, too.
It went on to gaslighting. What’s gaslighting? Gaslighting? Oh my goodness, I could teach a master’s course in gaslighting now. Let me give you an example.
I never knew the word until Marc. I never realized Marc’s actions were this form of abuse. Gaslighting. (We will have continued examples from my relationship with Marc and more articles about gaslighting as we move forward.
How did gaslighting work in this example? Marc’s screaming included this:
- Maya, you’re completely paranoid. You were even scared of monsters under the bed as a little girl. Should your parents have gotten an alarm and video system when you were five?
- Maya, Stacey’s boyfriend is never going to harm us. He isn’t dangerous! (Despite Stacey’s numerous calls to police and the fact he tried to break into her home- twice.)
- Maya, you’re emotionally unstable to think we need to have our house monitored. What is wrong with you? Why are you like this? (Hey, did you read above about Stacey’s boyfriend? Yeah, don’t forget there was real danger here!)
Now, here is the thing about gaslighting. I started to defend myself against the monsters under the bed, the facts surrounding the ex-boyfriend and all the reasons why I wasn’t “like” anything; and was justified in asking to discuss a topic with a man who claimed to love me.
Do you see how that works? Marc’s words made me doubt and question myself. He was slowly dismantling me from the inside out. I was starting to lose my confidence in myself and my perspective.
At the same time, in defending myself, the conversations turned away from cameras and video surveillance. I wasn’t even aware of the different road we were now on.
In that simple act of defense, we were no longer talking about the alarm system, and Marc was controlling the direction. The spotlight is cast away from Marc, and fully on me defending myself against monsters under the bed when I was five, the true facts of Stacey’s ex-boyfriend and how a simple question to discuss alarm systems doesn’t mean I am emotionally unstable. And, BOOM! No more discussion about the alarm system.
Gaslighting is truly “crazy-making” at its finest! The abuser switches the narrative away from what a survivor wants to discuss, especially when the discussion is focused toward the abuser. Instead, the conversation shifts toward the survivor having to mount a defense against any and all accusations an abuser brings up. And often, the accusations brought up by the abuser are complete and total lies. How do you defend yourself against complete and total lies? It’s even MORE crazy-making!
Physical, emotional and gaslighting as forms of abuse. All in one tiny incident within my decade long relationship. But wait! There’s more to this story!
Want to know what I would discover about five years later? Want to know why the simple statement, “Love, I think we should discuss the option of getting an alarm system with cameras” turned into an ugly fight and several layer of abuse used against me? It’s simple.
Marc didn’t want an alarm system with video cameras because Marc had a nasty habit of inviting strangers into our home for sex. Marc was “hosting” many “play dates” with strangers from Craigslist and Adult Friend Finders (and many other adult hook-up sites) in our home, in our bed, when I traveled. Marc didn’t want to get caught on video surveillance when his strangers showed up at our house to have sex with him. In our home. In our bed.
So, yes. He had to create a scene and issue abuse to throw me off the game and keep his secrets… well, secret.
Now here is a beautiful part of the story. I had not yet lost my confidence and self at this point in our relationship. I was operating at about 50% of the original me, but not negative 125%, as I would eventually become.
So I waited a couple weeks and installed the system without telling him. He knew after it had been completed, of course. And any argument was a mute point after installation. The system was in the house and we both had access to the controls.
Five-ish years later, I would find out he used his access to remove any video footage of his “playdates” he “hosted.” I used it to monitor alarms. I had no idea there was video footage to delete. But he missed deleting one. Once I discovered Marc’s secret life, this system would prove key in discovering his physical and sexual abuse, finding the strangers he invited for sex (names, family, addresses and phone numbers!) AND helping me plan my escape from him when I left.
Click here to know more about Emotional Abuse from this article by DomesticShelters.org
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