Chapter 20: A Duet by Marc De Saude and Mr. James Neighbors

HELLLLLLOOOOOOO!! How are you on this fine day?

Oftentimes, laughter bubbles up in really uncomfortable situations for me as a survivor of abuse and trauma. Situations that really are not funny, and borderline maddening; my response has become to laugh.

It gives people pause when dealing with me now. They get the “why is she laughing” look and I instantly know my trauma is manifesting itself in weird and awkward ways.

For example, this song by Arctic Monkeys. It’s called “Do I Wanna Know?” Oh my goodness! Marc loved this song. He knew every word and lyric. I remember one time we were driving to a kid event and he turned it up loud on the drive. Singing along with a weird grin on his face.

I questioned him about it because it’s an overtly intimate song between two people and in a way that seems more adulterous than anything else. Why did he like the song? I wanna know. He told me he didn’t even know the words.

Ummmmm……you were just singing every word.

See how gaslighting works. This is another example. Completely lying despite his present actions and expecting me to believe it. (Side note: Eventually, I would believe it. When gaslighting is issued over years, as was done to me, you pretty much stop believing everything you see, hear or feel as real, when it comes to the abuser. And, eventually, in every interaction a survivor has!) You can check out a great article about Surviving Gaslighting here.https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/gaslighting/how-to-survive-gaslighting

Anyway, the interaction struck me as odd because of Marc’s blatant lying and because he seemed to be emotionally invested in the song.

Now, when the song comes up on my Sirius Satellite Radio, I crack up laughing. It’s highly inappropriate, but I wonder if the song makes him think of his primary male sex partner, Mr. James Neighbors. Mr. James Neighbors was a good family friend and attended many of our family functions. I never knew the extent of their special “friendship”, and just how their interactions had been unknowingly imposed on my health and mental well-being. I never knew until one day a Bus Driver (what we call the anonymous angels who send us additional information about Marc) sent all the information- and still provides details documenting their relationship. My best guess is the sex must have really bad in their group setting , so someone sent the pictures of Marc and Jim having sex, and wearing these really gaudy masks. Whow! Yep, that’s the man who looked me in the eyes, and claimed heterosexuality and monogamy, but was really having sex with his male best friend, Jim. (And anyone else who would let them)

Do they sing this song to each other? Do they text each other memes about Arctic Monkeys? When we would all go out together (before I knew of their relationship and escaped from Marc) was this their song? Did they text each other under the dinner table at our outings about the song?
I do. I wanna know!

Yeah, trauma healing comes in huge here. Laughter at the sadness and disease. Laughter at me not knowing about them for years. Laughter at all the times Mr. Jim Neighbors was around my kids. Laughter at all the experiences that include them both, and me not having any idea of what was really happening. Laughter that when Mrs. Neighbors found out about her husband and Marc, she booted Mr. Neighbors out and divorced him. Laughter at her briefly taking him back (yes, you read that right), before booting Jim again. Laughter at how I didn’t really care for Mr. Jim. I couldn’t explain why, I just thought he was creepy.

My only other choice is to curl up in a ball and die due to the pain, deceit, madness, lies and disease. And vomit. A lot of vomit over what I didn’t know was happening in my life for almost ten years.

I will take inappropriate laughter any day of the week versus living in any kind of dysfunction. #SurvivorsWin.

Eventually, in my mind they’ve become fools and bad lounge singers. Off-key. Laughable. Disgusting. Fools. I also firmly believe that their level of karma will meet and then exceed their level of abuse.

If you really wanna know.

Want to know what’s going on in my head around this song? In my imagination, I am a top-notch comedian with this vision below. If I did stand-up comedy this would be my Eddie Murphy version of his 1983’s “Delirious” tour.

Peace, safety, comedy relief, and magic… always magic,
Maya

 

This song section is a bit long, but worth it. I find this uncontrollably funny to imagine Marc and Mr. Jim Neighbors singing the duet in a karaoke bar, or to each other on a car ride to their next adventure together. Wanna know what this looks like in my head? Check out below, courtesy of the Arctic Monkeys, and their song “Do I Wanna Know”.

Marc:
Have you got color in your cheeks’
Do you ever get the feeling that you can’t shift the tide
That sticks around like something’s in your teeth
And some aces up your sleeve
I had no idea that you’re in deep
I dreamt about you near me every night this week
How many secrets can you keep?

Mr. Jim Neighbors:
‘Cause there’s this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow
When I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep
Spilling drinks on my settee

Mr. Jim Neighbors: If this feeling flows both ways

Marc: (Sad to see you go)

Mr. Jim Neighbors: Was sorta hoping that you’d stay

Marc: (Baby we both know)

Together: That the nights were mainly made for saying
things that you can’t say tomorrow day

Marc:
Crawlin’ back to you.
Ever thought of calling when you’ve had a few?
‘Cause I always do
Maybe I’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new
Now I’ve thought it through
Crawling back to you

Mr. Jim Neighbors:
So have you got the guts?
Been wondering if your heart’s still open and
if so I wanna know what time it shuts
Simmer down and pucker up
I’m sorry to interrupt it’s just I’m constantly
on the cusp of trying to kiss you
I don’t know if you feel the same as I do
But we could be together, if you wanted to

Marc: If this feeling flows both ways

Mr. Jim Neighbors: (Sad to see you go)

Marc: Was sorta hoping that you’d stay

Mr. Jim Neighbors: (Baby we both know)

Together: That the nights were mainly made for saying
things that you can’t say tomorrow day

Marc:
Crawling back to you
Ever thought of calling when you’ve had a few? (calling when you’ve had a few)
‘Cause I always do (’cause I always do)
Maybe I’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new
Now I’ve thought it through
Crawling back to you, (do I wanna know?)

Mr. Jim Neighbors: If this feeling flows both ways

Marc: (Sad to see you go)

Mr. Jim Neighbors: Was sorta hoping that you’d stay

Marc: (Baby we both know)

Together: That the nights were mainly made for saying
things that you can’t say tomorrow day

Mr. Jim Neighbors: Too busy being yours to fall

Marc: (Sad to see you go)

Mr. Jim Neighbors: Ever thought of calling darling?

Marc: (Do I wanna know)

Together: Do you want me crawling back to you?

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Alex Turner
Do I Wanna Know? lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC