Chapter 16: Memory Flash-Back Courtesy of the Ol’ Facebook (Part 1)

Hello, gang! It’s Maya Jane Clark. Howya doin’? I hope well.

We are early in my story. Really, it’s just unfolding here at Safe in Harm’s Way. However, the current time is four years out. FOUR YEARS away from Marc’s abuse. Four years since I escaped, went into hiding and began the slow and long crawl back to healing and starting to thrive.

And today, I was smacked in the face again with Marc’s abuse. Not literally, but it sure felt like it. I ache. I am sad. But mainly I AM LIVID. It’s a range of emotions that spring up and I am FOUR YEARS out. Why?

That darn Mark Zuckerberg and his Facebook. Can you see where I am going with this? You posted something years ago, but Facebook’s notifications of your “Memories” come up every day. Well, to say today’s ‘memory’ hurt would be the understatement of all understatements.

The reminder came from a post I made five years ago. It’s visible only to me because I eliminated any trace of Marc from my Facebook via privacy settings. I keep them private and visible only to me. Why? Well, someday if there is evidence that is needed and he can be charged for any of these wrong-doings, I want to have the dates and times still housed.

But still, Facebook saw fit to remind me that five years ago, Marc and I had a really great date night.

Five years ago? Man oh man, I was in love. I was trying my hardest to be the great partner and keep him calm and even. (This was before I knew you shouldn’t have to work to keep someone calm and even. This isn’t love. This is abuse. But more on that as we all evolve.) Anyway I had been working all day to clean the house and clean the cars. I was hot, sweaty, and a mess. Marc came out to watch me clean the car. Note: I say watch, not help.

He made me a grand offer. Stop what you’re doing. Come inside and clean up. He was going to take me out to a fancy dinner for all the work I had been doing. He really played it up, folks!

Passionate kisses!
Telling me how beautiful I was!
He had snuck out and bought roses for me!
The reservations were made at my favorite steak house!
He had laid out several dresses for me to pick from- the ones he loved me in most and wanted me to really dress up for our night on the town!

I was thrilled. Beyond thrilled for a date night with my boy. He had gone to all this extra trouble to really invest in me and I was on cloud nine. See how that happens? See how easy it is to thrill a person. And shouldn’t it be real and shouldn’t it be true? Why would I ever doubt his love for me? Our life was on track to a future of happiness and there would be no indication of anything stopping us. Marc and I were golden and we were dressing up and heading to a great dinner date. Love. Love. Love is all around me.

You wanna know what else he did?

While I was out working on the house and cars he got on Craigslist personals section and spent the afternoon offering me up to have sex with other people. He really played it up, folks.

Each post included the words, “My girlfriend has no idea I am doing this.”
Each post included the words, “My girlfriend is hot. You should see what she looks like.” (All those dresses he laid out for me for our special date night? He had posted pictures of me in all the dresses, when I had worn them previously.)
Each post included the words, “I will facilitate what we discussed could be done to her.”

Yeah – I wouldn’t find out about all the unknown activity and the real reason for that date night until about 10 months later when I found it all on his computer.

What was he going to have done to me? Drug me? Allow these Craigslist contacts to rape me? Book me out for future dates to drug and rape me? He sent this out to multiple people!!! How the heck was he going to pull this all off? I have no idea.

I do know this. I’m haunted by the what-ifs to this day. There are nights I don’t remember. Plus, our normal nightly routine was to make love and he would bring me a glass of wine after. Is that when it happened? Did he drug me in the wine offering and allow people to sneak into the house to rape me? How many times did we have date nights where the sole reason was not his love for me, but an opportunity for his Craigslist contacts to check me out and reserve “facilitating what could be done to me.” Me? Well in this scenario, I am the chick who woke up knowing I had sex with Marc the night before; so there would be nothing physically different about me or within me. I would have zero clue.

Now you might be thinking how crazy this is and how insane and even worse, “My God, Maya, how did you not know?”

Really?!?!?

Now you might be thinking shouldn’t he be in jail for this? Sorry folks. My FBI contacts tell me laws have not kept up to the pace of the internet. Is it awful? Yes. But there is no physical evidence BECAUSE I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THERE SHOULD BE PHYSICAL EVIDENCE, and any posts are just Marc’s freedom of speech. Yeah, read that again please. Kinda messed up, right?

So I type this all out today, because today is the day Facebook sent me a memory of our date night. Only now I am reminded of the true reason for the date night. And even though intensive therapy has brought me tools and tricks to help me navigate what could have happened to me without my knowledge or consent… well, today I am proud to say I am not curled up in a fetal position (been there, done that) crying. My heart is racing a tad, but my ears aren’t bright red and I have not broken out in huge welts all over my body (been there, done that).

However, I am livid at the puss-oozing soul of a man named Marc.

And I believe it’s ok to be livid. I will allow myself a few more minutes of livid and I will pick myself up and get ready for my day. I will remind myself of my worth. I will remind myself I am safe and #intentionallyfearless (our Safe In Harm’s Way hashtag that I adore). I will use my tools and tricks to keep my brain and body in the most beautiful and all encompassing light, healing, love and laughter that only comes in the “after” of abuse. It’s work, but the work brings health and healing.

It’s a journey, my dear friends. Not a one and done. May we all continue the journey because we are fortunate to have escaped and be alive. May we all continue the journey to help whatever anyone is currently sludging through. May we all rise above whatever life and Facebook throws our way.
Peace to you today. Peace to you always. Magic, too. In huge doses.

Best of the most outrageous amounts of love to you for living in the face of any insanity you might experience, and magic… always magic,
Maya Jane Clark

WOW!! I hope people know they’re not alone in the face of violence and sexual violence. RAINN is the bomb-diggity in helping people. It’s easy to call them 24/7 at 800-656-4673. You can chat with them online at: online.rainn.org. Their online chat can be done in Spanish. You can find them here at RAINN.org

Men have unique challenges, too. RAINN has a separate hotline for men. You can reach RAINN Services for Men here.

I love RAINN in particular because their main page has EVERY SINGLE HOTLINE you would need for any situation you’re in.

Smithereens: Only a Memory

In a world of pain I have no peer
You fade away and disappear
And now I have to learn the game
Where no one wins or takes the blame
But it’s
Only a memory
Of what our love was going to be
Only a memory
Now that we are history
Only a memory
Only a memory

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