Eight Olives In
TRIGGER WARNING: (Drinking Too Much, Cursing, Sexual Descriptions, Affairs, Panic Attacks, Sadness, Worry, Lies, Fear, Guns, Sexually Transmitted Infections)
Hey, fellow Safe In Harm’s Way travelers! It’s me. Maya Jane.
I’m done with Janey’s Letter for now. I can’t. I just can’t.
Gotta Take a Break, Folks, I’m About Eight Olives In: NEED A VODKA REFRESHER NOW!
So… I’ve been drinking. I’m more than a little tipsy right about now. Enough that if I was walking, I’m sure I’d trip and break my glasses and tear my jeans at the right knee. Tipsy plus.**
Can’t stand the taste of red wine, so I’ve gone back to the “whooodie” as my old friend once called it. Vodka. Tito’s is my preference, olive juice dirty and blue cheese stuffed olives. Plus, fun twirly-sticks. I have to stick the olives on a fun twirly-stick I picked up at the Tuesday Morning store. Gosh, I love that store. I also love TJ Maxx. Sometimes I hit both and just say I’m going to the Tuesday Maxx store. They have really cool twirly-sticks for my dirty martinis.
Gotta tell you- THIS SUCKS!!
Cutting and pasting the letter to Janey really sucks. It hurts me down to my soul. Several years out and I ache. Back to the vomiting. Back to hives. I am suddenly reminded of Soul 2 Soul. Does anyone remember that song?
What if those beautiful women were singing “back to the vomit-ing. back to the hives, baby”? I think they’re singing that to me, actually. UGH!! Somebody give me a damn drink.
What hurts most? Not the want of Marc. Not the “missing of Marc.” Mostly, I just laugh at the memory of him; not his actions – I will never laugh at the 18++ (admitted to by Marc) years of soul-puss oozing actions. But I laugh at how pathetic and disgusting he seems to me now. How un-intelligent and weird- really weird, he seems to be in hindsight. He isn’t awkward, as self claimed, but full on WEIRD. Why did I stay? “My Goodness! Why Didn’t I Leave? The Ugly Truth about Abuse Grooming” will be coming up in future chapters.
So why the “back to the vomiting, back to the hives, baby”?
It is the complete and total disregard of my health and safety from a man who constantly looked me in the eyes, held my face and proclaimed how much he loved me. Plus, we would often talk about how gross our subdivision friend, Mr. James Neighbors was. How sickening and what a liar he seemed to be. We discussed how Jim Neighbors had given his past wife and his current wife sexually transmitted diseases. Jim would get drunk and pull out guns on his current wife, claiming he was going to kill himself.
Turns out – Marc had a sexual relationship with him. OH MY GOD! I’m going to vomit again, I just know it.
At the same time as Jim, Marc was utilizing his penis with a variety of (any) people he could find. Any. Person. In my bed. MY BED!! I brought that bed to the relationship, and he left his body fluids, and the fluids of strangers (and one very well loved Mr. James Neighbors), in that bed for me to unknowingly sleep in the same sheets. The same unwashed sheets. Que the vomit. This Tito’s ain’t staying down, man!!
All the while he was allowing complete strangers (and one very well loved Mr. James Neighbors) into my life, and the lives of my children- exposing us to danger at every second of every minute of every day of every year; all by his own admission. And we were dumb and clueless and completely in love with this “good man” named Marc the entire time of exposure.
Janey now constantly reminds me that the most intense moments of danger were when WE DIDN’T KNOW. Now we know. Now we are aware and trying not to live in fear. Now we work hard to live in a state of heightened caution (read: scared, but not constantly verbalizing we are scared, so as not to further scare ourselves) as our therapist would say.
I’m giving you a break from the letters because I need a break from the letters. If you were here, I’d make you a fabulous drink (I’m like my mother – you’d get a very heavy pour of the vodka) and let you pick out your own twirly-stick. Heck, I’d let you pick out as many as you want; fill the martini glass with twirly-sticks. I will pick up more at the TJ Maxx along with the 28 dog toys that seem to jump in my cart every trip.
Take care of yourself, friends. Take a break, and a bath, and pour yourself a drink. Believe me- it gets even worse from here.
May your vodka taste magical,
Maya
OK. Here is the deal. I gave myself some grace, and edited this chapter when sober to correct spelling and grammar errors. I also wanted to give you some additional resources.
If you just found out the person you love has been having unprotected sex with others, while claiming to be monogamous with you, there is help. If you have had this happen several times, and you don’t know what to do right now, there is help. If you have been exposed to sexually transmitted infections, hear this loud and clear “This is NOT your fault, and you can still have amazing and wonderful relationships. You are not damaged, or diseased nor should you feel shame.
Really. You’re not alone! Here are my favorite sites:
- Best Blog for Diagnosis and Navigating Exposures to STD
- Best Blog for How to Reclaim Your Life after a STD diagnosis:
- Real life and focused on zero shame. This blog is amazing and I promise it will help you heal. The author has categorized all the posts. While she is not actively engaging now, you will find a wealth of information and stop the cycle of shame
- Check out Relationship Hero
I am not glamorizing my drinking here. My drinking became a problem after discovering Marc’s secret life. My drinking damaged my relationship with my kids, damaged my health and weight, and damaged my ability to think clearly. There are options for you, too. Most people can’t do it alone, and I failed and went back, but I kept at it.
There is always Alcoholics Anonymous. I think this “Reframe” app is cool. I love the “Top10” site for online options.
Maya
Take a minute or fifty to listen to the Founder and CEO of Safe In Harm’s Way, Caroline Markel. Caroline has been a guest on MULTIPLE podcasts and you can listen in to her story by following this Spotify playlist called Caroline Markel: My 15 Year Mission Podcast Guest List.
Follow her on Spotify today!
(Click the logo to the right.)
SOUNDTRACK:
Soul II Soul “Keep On Movin’ “
You know what else Soul 2 Soul preaches in this song? The lyrics below… so, as always, within the vomit and hives is inspiration.
LYRICS:
Keep on movin’
Keep on movin’
Don’t stop, no
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