Chapter 2: Ms. Sheila’s Affirmation

Guys!! It’s Maya. How ya doin’?

Can We Head Back to High School English Class, please?

My high school years were spent in a mid-sized city in the upper Midwest. It was a small school with high academic standards. Once you reached junior year, you were required to take two classes with the English Literature teacher; one of which was composition. Ms. Sheila led our class.

Hand to God, every time I write, I channel that fine woman who completely terrified me. I imagine she is standing over me with her bony hand (she was a bit like the Crypt Keeper) on my shoulder and correcting each fragmented sentence, punctuation and paragraph formation.

When I am stuck on what I want to write, I pray to her for guidance. I fear her and love her company in spirit (wait, would she hate my parenthesis usage? Would she hate my…? Would she hate this random rant? Hell, I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure she just turned over in her grave with my cursing.

Anyway, Ms. Sheila always taught us to write in the form of a preface first; tell the reader what you’re going to write about. Next, on to the body which was writing about the topic you are choosing. Closing? Reposition the preface and tell the reader what you just wrote about.

Kindly now flash back to Boy George and Culture Club on your Walkman, because I’m about to outline what the rest of the Pathway is going to look like. Consider this the preface… kinda-sorta.

While the team has been working on launching Safe In Harm’s Way, my component has been my own labor of love from the very moment of discovery. It’s morphed and shifted, and it has been beautifully organic. In fact, until I began to write this very article, I hadn’t clearly seen the process take shape until this very moment.

(I’m pausing now to offer a prayer of gratitude. Holy cow- this is amazing! Give me a second, please.)

OK… I just finished a tear-filled Marco Polo video session with a Safe In Harm’s Way team member. This is unreal. Here’s why.

I have about 465 articles written. Most of them are housed in my iPhone, in the notes section, and almost all were done talk to text. There are several reasons for this. First, I drive a lot for work. I cover several states in my job’s capacity, and talk to text helped me utilize time more efficiently on the road via bluetooth.

Secondly, before discovering Marc’s secret and abusive life, I spent a great deal of time with Marc’s child (because he chose not to spend time with his child). I caught a nasty eye infection from the youngster and spent the latter part of the mid-2010’s with eye infections. These infections made me look like I was crying all the time and ultimately ate away at my eyes’ lenses. I had to have corrective eye and cataract surgery; not covered by insurance. (Thank you very much Marc; especially since I never would have spent time with you or your offspring had I known what you were doing! But I digress.)

Long story, short, I couldn’t see. So if I wanted to write, talk-to-text was my only option. In the mornings, I would correct the punctuation and flesh out the details because I could only see best in the morning. I also have articles written on random pieces of paper and notebooks, plus post-it notes. Lots and lots of post-it notes.

But it didn’t start out that way.

How it started was with quotes and affirmations I began to place into my Outlook calendar, with reminders that went off all day long. 24-7. Every time my phone would Ding, the kids would comment, “Another affirmation for Mom. What’s this one? Who texted it to you?”. It was a little frustrating for them, because sometimes I am being notified with the Ding Classic Alert pattern, 7-8 times an hour. I can understand how that could be intrusive, but I LOVED IT!!

When I discovered what Marc had done to me I lost my mind. Literally. Couldn’t speak. Couldn’t think. I’m sure I sounded like a crazy person to anyone I spoke to. And that’s OK, because I was crazy at the time. I completely lost my shit.

How and why? We have hundreds of articles addressing how and why, plus connecting the dots of abuse. Do you remember those grade school era connect-the-dots pads of paper? Remember those!?!? You drew lines from one number to the next, until a picture was made from connecting the dots and drawing lines. I loved those. It was so cool to me and I obsessed over the order and the beautiful pictures that developed, when I completed them as a child.

However, Marc’s dots and line connections I completed as an adult- well, those were far, far different. Marc’s exercise in pencil creations always created pictures of fear and grotesque strangers he had sex with from Adult Friend Finders and Craigslist and…..well, I lost count of how many secret sites he had joined. These connect the dot pictures are ones I never imagined could be created. Or, pictures of him screaming in my face because I didn’t fold the towels correctly. The list could go on and on. I don’t feel like coloring them in and hanging them on the walls of my bedroom like the third grade me. Plus, I’m digressing in a huge way, and I have a feeling Ms. Sheila is getting really mad from heaven right now. So, back to the topic at hand of affirmations.

Affirmations. Affirmations are what I used to regain my sanity. I still use them today. I had a Safe In Harm’s Way team member tell me about this process, and I thought, “Well, that’s stupid.” Until I had no choice but to try SOMETHING or go insane. Yep- I did it. I began to put affirmations and inspirational quotes into my calendar. Apparently, it’s been a successful effort to remind me all day long, that I could manage to somehow survive.

And, I’m just realizing right now, at this very moment, that those affirmations brought me to the point to begin writing. In other words, THEY WORKED. They worked and I didn’t even realize the affect all the positive notes, prayers, saved texts, etc, etc, etc had on me. I just naturally one day started to write.

I’m fortunate. I am so lucky.

Of course, we must start this path below sea level; way deep down the ugly path of discovery. The exact moment and the exact time I discovered Marc’s evil. This will take a bit of time where inches are measured and not miles. The map gets murky, and it’s hard to tell the direction of my path because Marc’s deception is thorough and covers twenty years. Almost ten of those years spent with me. Instead of bathroom breaks on this long journey, there will be moments of car sickness and vomit. It’s rank and ugly, and his actions make my stomach churn, causing me to hurl the Velveeta Cheese Chile Con Queso and chips. Yes, I’ve made those two food sources into a new food group that any dietary junior-high food pyramid doesn’t ever touch.

Speaking of Velveeta. I’m hungry. I’m going to pause, and finish this up later after I eat my weight in chips and dip.
More later, my loves.

Peace, safety, love and magic… always magic,
Maya Jane Clark

Side note: Multiple affairs are abuse. It’s called sexual and physical abuse. If your partner has unprotected (or even) protected sex with someone else, and then comes home and has sex with YOU? There is a sexual and physical impact on you. If you’re someone who has just discovered the fourth (or fifth, or second… you get the picture) time your partner cheated on you, and you want to find a way to leave, or at least maybe start a plan, or just want help to navigate ANOTHER affair, there are people ready to help. (Whoa!! That was a really long sentence, but it’s almost midnight and I can’t think of another way to say it.)There is 24/7 immediate assistance for you, your children, and your pets. Please text START to 88788 or you can always call 800-799-SAFE (7233). You can even hop online at: thehotline.org and chat with a live person. The SAFE hotline is always free, and able to accommodate 140 languages. Zero judgment here. Only help. Plus, a firm belief in helping one person, one moment at a time.

SOUNDTRACK:
Culture Club, “Church of the Poison Mind”

Since we have flash-backed to the 80’s, a little Boy George seems like a good idea. Gosh, makes me dance the Pony, feather my hair and use enough Aqua Net to start a fire near any lit cigarette. Listen up!