How do you face an abuser in court? It’s scary, right? The deck seems stacked against you and you’re full of fear. Plus, it’s not always fair. How do you get through it? Well, I have some ideas. It’s Maya here and I’d like to share a little bit about my experience in court.
First, dress the part of the incredible person you are. Even if you’re scared, even if you’re shaking. Please, please, please, do your hair, put on your best face and wear your best dress, suit, outfit…whatever is the closest thing to Sunday church outfit you have. Does this seem like it shouldn’t matter? It shouldn’t, but it does. Dress to impress and walk in with your head held high.
First, dress the part of the incredible person you are. Even if you’re scared, even if you’re shaking. Please, please, please, do your hair, put on your best face and wear your best dress, suit, outfit…whatever is the closest thing to Sunday church outfit you have. Does this seem like it shouldn’t matter? It shouldn’t, but it does. Dress to impress and walk in with your head held high.
Do you know what I did? I picked out my favorite skirt, heels and leather jacket. I hadn’t gotten dressed in anything outside of leggings for almost six months. I felt amazing when I walked into court. It was awesome! I did my hair and makeup and I pretended that I was the most confident person on the face of the earth. I had to pretend at that moment, because I was anything BUT confident.
OH!! I also downloaded memes on my phone and I peeked at them before the trial started. I picked only pictures that showed strong women. I picked memes of inspiration. I picked anything that made me feel smart and confident. And, I paged through them before I had to walk to the front of the courtroom. I had MANY memes- my beautiful daughter sent me every Beyoncé meme known to man. I felt like the strongest woman walking the halls!
Second, keep calm. So- if your abuser is like mine, you spent a great deal of time in tears. You tried to beg and plead to be believed in your case when he said horrible things about you. Lies about your kids. Lies about your family. Lies. Lies. Lies. The bigger the lies Marc told, the more upset I became in defending myself against his lies. As his lies about me grew, so did my fear and sadness until I was a crazy mess screaming at him to stop. Yeah- don’t do this in court. No one listens to the screaming lady, made to go crazy, due to the lies being told about her.
Let me repeat. No. One. Listens. No one listens when you’re screaming and yelling.
The best way to behave in the face of lies is to calmly repeat in a confident voice (remember, you can still be confident and have your voice shake!) “The words being said are lies about me. I have no defense against a lie. He is simply being dishonest.”
Try it out loud with me: “The words being said by (insert name here) are lies about me. I have no defense against his lies. He is simply being dishonest.”
Again. Out loud: “The words being said by (insert name here) are lies about me. I have no defense against his lies. He is simply being dishonest.”
Imagine if any one of us had used those words during our abuse, and simply walked away. We wouldn’t have ended up feeling, looking and acting crazy. We would have owned our power and been calm. Because we know the truth. We know what is being said is full force lies, for which there REALLY IS NO DEFENSE TO GIVE. Know your soul. Know your worth. Don’t defend yourself against lies. You’ve left him, you don’t have to live that life with him or anyone else for that matter.
Third, stick with the lawyer’s plan and take advantage of the legal resources in your area. A quick google search can find you advocates that will go to court with you. Use them. Call shelters in your area and ask what services they provide when a survivor goes to court. Use them. We are working on a list here, but meanwhile the good folks at DomesticShelters.org have a search engine and all you need is your zip code.
For me? Once I could remember how the internet worked, and came out of my trauma induced fog, I took advantage of every FREE resource in my area. I met amazing people and made new friends who were walking the same path to healing as me. Suddenly, I didn’t feel alone any more and I realized the best and most beautiful people, people who you would never expect to be survivors, were just like me. Surviving. One day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time.
Fourth, plan to have your lawyer or one of the security officers in the courthouse walk you to your car when court is done. Not trying to scare you, but having someone walk with you is smart and confident and sends a message. What is the message? You will not cower in fear, but rather walk in comfort with another human who has your back. My lawyer waited with me after every court appearance and then walked me to my car. I had planned to ask him, but he volunteered before I could. What a good, kind and courageous soul! You will find one, too. You just may have to ask. So, ask!
Next, I also took a pre-visit to the court house so I would know where I had to go and was familiar with the building. I spoke to the security force in the building and told them how scared I was. I asked if they walked people to their car after court and they replied they would figure something out for me. I was double checking myself, but it gave me back my power to know my plans were being made by ME for my safety.
You know what I discovered? Something amazing and beautiful. When I decided to be honest and ask for help, people rose to the occasion. All I had to say was something to this effect; “I’m experiencing something that scares me and I sure could use some help. Could you help me, please?” and people helped. Ask.
Finally, plan to have a celebration after every court appearance. Planning the “after” puts you in the mindset that you will be successful in your endeavor. If you believe, then you can achieve, right? Who said that? I’m not sure- someone smarter than me, but it works! I remember stopping to get a Bubble Tea in a trendy part of town. Cost me $2.57 and I drank my Bubble Tea on a sweet park bench and I cried tears of joy in the sun. Made me feel like I spent $1Million.
Let me be very honest here for a second. Our team at Safe In Harm’s Way knows that often times the court system can inflict another level of abuse. There are so many wrongs we have to correct. There is so much that can go wrong. We know that. I know that. I’ve lived it. But I also know there are ways and ideas to help you navigate the process.
I hope this helps. I hope you know that this team at Safe In Harm’s Way is amazing and they’re not stopping. Not at all- the work will keep evolving and as new information is learned and new victories are made, you will read about it here.
Meanwhile, let Mary@SafeInHarmsWay.org know if you have a story to share. A victory won. Encourage others to learn from your experience. We will be working on a Best Advice List from all the knowledge and experiences we see here. Let us know!
We know not every experience will be the same, but we are determined to offer ideas and options with the hope that it’s helpful in your process and in your healing. Also, know that every morning when we have our dance prayer, we are sending out the most peaceful and helpful vibes for everyone living something that brings fear into your heart, mind, and soul. Hoping these ideas lessen the fear, and help you take back your power and control.
Check out our Flower of Feelings to explore the emotions of your relationships, and how to recognize and heal from those feelings which hurt the most.
We envision a world where survivors can recognize the feelings in their relationships as the hallmark red flags of abuse. We stand as architects of change, amplifying the voices of survivors by addressing the intricate web of emotions entwined with unhealthy relationships. Our values encompass a sanctuary where feelings find validation, where emotions find expression, and where healing begins.