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Guest post by:  Maya Jane Clark

Have a Baseline of Behavior YOU Find Acceptable!

You will change as you start to heal and thrive. It will be moments of pure joy! You’re evolving into your own true self. You’re worthy of a #PlatinumPlatterLife as the folks at #SafeInHarmsWay life to say.

How do you know you won’t go backwards? Write down all the behaviors that don’t serve you any more. Know it. Read it over and over. Most importantly – ACT ON THEM!

3 strong women staring intently forward

This becomes your baseline. If people don’t meet your baseline, walk away. 

It’s Maya here, and this was the best advice my therapist ever gave me. What are my baselines?

  • Nice to people who work in restaurants
  • Nice to people who drive Uber
  • Nice to people who work as desk clerks at hotels, airports, or car rental places
  • Splits money on a bill
  • Doesn’t say, “Can’t you just take a joke?”
  • Is a Dad who doesn’t encourage his kids to do drugs
  • Is a Dad who doesn’t hide his disabled child/children
  • Is someone who doesn’t get so drunk he can’t stand up
  • Doesn’t say, “Why do we need to always talk about your feelings”
  • Doesn’t make fun of disabled people
  • Doesn’t make fun of larger-sized people
  • Doesn’t tell me he is one place, and is really at another
  • Doesn’t get mad at me for telling me I don’t like being lied to
  • Doesn’t make fun of the things which are important to me
  • Is not racist
  • Does not have sex with random strangers
  • Does not tell me he is monogamous, but seeks out anyone who will have sex with him, and then lie to me about it
  • Does not tell me he is going to the gym, but then meets men in parking lots for sex

OK… now I am just describing Marc. Of course, these last fifteen boundaries are pretty big, and something most people wouldn’t want in their relationship.

But….let’s look at the first three boundaries. If that is important to me, what I know now (that I very much didn’t know then) is if it is important to me, and the person I’m starting to fall in love with DOESN’T DO THOSE THINGS, it is perfectly fine to walk away.

My boundaries matter. My FEELINGS matter. Check out Caroline Markel Hammond’s Podcast including boundaries:

And now I know. Most importantly, I will never forget.

What matters to you? Make your own list, and stay or walk away according to what matters to you! Follow and Like Safe In Harm’s Way on Instagram and learn more about your own boundaries!

Woman sitting in a window with her hand outstretched to the wall.

Check out our Safe In Harm’s Way Flower of Feelings to explore the emotions of your relationships, and how to recognize and heal from those feelings which hurt the most.  

We envision a world where survivors can recognize the feelings in their relationships as the hallmark red flags of abuse. We stand as architects of change, amplifying the voices of survivors by addressing the intricate web of emotions entwined with unhealthy relationships. Our values encompass a sanctuary where feelings find validation, where emotions find expression, and where healing begins.